Quote of the Day (2008-05-31)

Carolyn Burnham: Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!

Source: American Beauty

Quote of the Day (2008-05-30)

George: "I'd rather be dating the blind. You know, you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her."
Elaine: "I think she'd figure it out."

Source: Seinfeld

Stevie Ray Vaughan - Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)

What can I say, the guy's the best guitar player to ever pick up a strat. (And yes, I'm quite familiar with Jimi. He's probably 2nd, which is why this is a perfect video. SRV covering Jimi.) I can't count how many hours I spent in my room playing this song after I got my wah-wah. Never quite got it as well as SRV or Jimi did. Imagine that.

Quote of the Day (2008-05-29)

"I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare."

Source: Seinfeld

Quote of the Day (2008-05-28)

Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it.

Source: A Fish Called Wanda

Quote of the Day (2008-05-27)

Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

Source: Seinfeld

Quote of the Day (2008-05-26)

Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.
Inigo Montoya: He's dead. He can't talk.
Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo Montoya: What's that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Source: The Princess Bride

Quote of the Day (2008-05-24)

Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2008-05-23)

Blessed are the cheesmakers.

Source: Life of Brian

Quote of the Day (2008-05-22)

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Source: Holy Grail

Quote of the Day (2008-05-21)

Homer: "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2008-05-20)

Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2008-05-19)

Cmdr. Susan Ivanova: God, I hate this part. I'm always afraid I've broken something.
Michael Garabaldi: It'll be fine. I've done this before.
[the computer restarts]
Michael Garabaldi: Ah, Told ya. Computer
[pause]
Michael Garabaldi: Computer?
Sparky the Computer: Hey, what do you want?
Michael Garabaldi: Run diagnostics.
Sparky the Computer: What, you got a broken arm or something? I got a station to run here!
Cmdr. Susan Ivanova: Computer.
Sparky the Computer: I know, do a diagnostic. So, maybe Level 42 doesn't get its quota of oxygen today because I'm distracted, but if it makes you happy!
Michael Garabaldi: Stop!
Cmdr. Susan Ivanova: Garabaldi?
Michael Garabaldi: I just remembered, they tried to install Artificial Intelligence subroutines when the station went operational. They shut it down right away because it didn't work right. Must have come back on-line when the system re-booted.
Cmdr. Susan Ivanova: Great! How do we shut it down?
Sparky the Computer: I heard that! Are you two easily offended, or what?

Source: Babylon 5

Quote of the Day (2008-05-18)

Kramer: "Karate. It's a lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony."
Jerry: "But with punching and kicking."

Source: Seinfeld

Quote of the Day (2008-05-17)

It's a fine line between clever and stupid.

Source: This is Spinal Tap

Quote of the Day (2008-05-16)

Zathras: Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life... probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry.

Source: Babylon 5

Quote of the Day (2008-05-15)

Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well... you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.

Source: The Princess Bride

Quote of the Day (2008-05-14)

Jim Hacker: "Fortunately Bernard, most of our journalists are so incompetent that they have the gravest difficulty in finding out that today is Wednesday."
Bernard Woolley: "It's actually Thursday, Minister."

Source: Yes, Minister

Quote of the Day (2008-05-13)

Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2008-05-12)

[Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport]
Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
Derek Smalls: Er, not really.

Source: This is Spinal Tap

Quote of the Day (2008-05-11)

Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."
[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]
Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy!
Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."
[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
[pause]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke.
Man in audience: You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
Man in audience: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay]
Rainer Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!

Source: The Simpsons

Quote of the Day (2008-05-10)

Juno MacGuff: Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.

Source: Juno

Quote of the Day (2008-05-09)

All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

Source: Holy Grail

Quote of the Day (2008-05-08)

Larry Lipton: Jesus, save a little craziness for menopause!

Source: Manhattan Murder Mystery

Quote of the Day (2008-05-07)

Ted: I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Source: There's Something About Mary

Quote of the Day (2008-05-06)

[Ralph has been laid off]
Ed Norton: I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer. I felt just like a fish out of water.

Source: The Honeymooners

Quote of the Day (2008-05-05)

Cheryl "Rhode Island": Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me - she said they were Satan's panties!

Source: Miss Congeniality

Quote of the Day (2008-05-04)

Sybil Fawlty: You know what I'll do if I find out that money is yours?
Basil Fawlty: [calling after her] You'd have to sew 'em back on first.

Source: Fawlty Towers

Quote of the Day (2008-05-03)

Sir Humphrey: "Politicians like to panic, they need activity. It's their substitute for achievement."

Source: Yes, Minister

Quote of the Day (2008-05-02)

Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

Source: Holy Grail

Quote of the Day (2008-05-01)

Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Grampa: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".

Source: The Simpsons